I love this book. I love this book. I love this book.
As with any other parenting book, obviously you have to apply a measure of common sense and interpretation as to how the ideas in the book would actually work with your family. But it made my day to open a book that told me not to try to parent from a book, and to trust my own intuition. That was a good sign. (I got so much out of this that I went back to the library and extended my borrowing so I could take my time finishing it!)
What Gordon Neufeld sets out to prove in
Hold on to Your Kids is the value of parents. Why parents need to matter more than peers in a child's life. The author makes a solid case for why it is essential for parents to be the main compass point in a child's life, and why it is risky business to push our kids to grow up too fast, to spend most of their time in the company of people we don't know, and to become dependent on peers for their entertainment, support and self-image.
The biggest lessons I've learned from reading this book:
- Make sure you're connected with your child before you try to parent them. Get their full attention - seek eye contact and a response like a smile or a nod. Make physical contact.
- Make the child feel like you're always on their side, even in matters of discipline and training. (This will take a lot of maturity and self-control on the part of the parent!)
- When training your child, avoid excessive use of "don't" - it doesn't actually tell them what they need to DO.
- Don't be in such a hurry to find friends and social activity for little ones. It's more important for them to have a solid relationship with you and alone time for creative play. And it's essential for you as the parent to take the time to develop a relationship with the other significant adults in a child's life (ie teachers, babysitters). He refers to this as passing the baton, which I think is an appropriate description.
- Be a matchmaker of sorts and encourage your child's relationships with friends, keeping them within your reach. Be there, interact with their friends, don't let them go off alone all the time. This will weed out the friends you don't want them to be with, because they won't want to be with you. The friends they keep will understand that the family is part of the package.
- Consider how you treat your child in light of an adult relationship. If you were in a courting relationship, what kind of behavior would you refuse to tolerate? If it wouldn't be acceptable in that relationship, then consider what the impact is on the relationship you are trying to cultivate with your child.
- Focus on relationship more than behavior. Focus on intention more than action.
- Encourage dependence (on you). Don't push children to grow up and become independent too quickly and in the process push them away from you. They need to feel attached to someone and if they don't feel confident with you they will look for someone else.
Like I said, I love this book. I first it from the library, but I have bought it, lent it, bought it again, bought it used so I had a spare copy to lend out, and have also given it as a gift.
